Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Merry Christmas, Hanakkah, Ramadan, Holidays???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday
Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Always On Watch said...

This "event" could well be happening in suburban public schools, particularly in liberal areas.

The county school systems here now refer to decorated evergreens as "winter trees." Sheesh!

Always On Watch said...

Love the big band music, BTW. Makes me want to dance!

Gayle said...

I love big band music too, Griper. Thanks! :)

This post could easily come to pass. Political "correctness" has gone beserk!

dcat said...

I don't give a &@!'s

So Merry Chrismas Griper!

The Griper said...

Merry Christmas, girls. thank you everyone for your patronage to my humble home on the web this year. i hope you have enjoy each visit.

BB-Idaho said...

Always wondered why there was such heavy drinking at the company Christmas parties....

The Griper said...

the only problem with heavy drinking, BB, is the side effect of empty-headedness that accompanies the drinking. lol

BB-Idaho said...

Griper, speaking of heavy drinking,
after doing so and pondering and in the spirit of the season, I have
made corrections to some familiar songs:
I’m Dreaming of a White Holiday
All I Want for Holidays Is My Two Front Teeth
Have Yourself a Merry Little Holiday
Oh Come, All Ye Politically Correct
It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Holidays
I’ll Be Home For Holiday
We Wish You A Merry Holiday
Christians (and whoever else) Awake, Salute The Happy Morn
…I’ve decided Ding Dong, Merrily On High and
Good King Wenseslas can stand for now….
...while I sober up and roast chestnuts on an open fire..:)

The Griper said...

ahhhh very good, BB. shaw will be proud of you.

but as you probably see also, the songs seem to having something missing, don't they, written like that?

Shaw Kenawe said...

I live in the Northeast, in very liberal Massachusetts, and I've worked in high-tech companies where Christmas parties are held every year, and where the companies have decorated the offices with Christmas trees, wreaths, and everything else that represents Christmas. Even signs that say "Merry Christmas."

So I have no experience of a politically correct Christmas season. We all say "Merry Christmas" AND "Happy Holidays" and no one has ever thrown a shoe at me in anger.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Festivus for the rest of us.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

The Griper said...

yes shaw,
that i will agree with. a Merry Christmas and a good festivus to you also.

and with salutations like this we can each recognize what we each are celebrating at this time of year and do it in a way that makes them personal, can't we?

and it is in the personal that brings people closer together.

Average American said...

Up here in Northern New Hampshire, we haven't had to put up with that type of bullshit----yet. Working hard to keep it that way. Merry Christmas.

The Griper said...

i think this illustrates pretty well what happens when you try to cater to the needs or wants of everybody and the foolishness of trying. we are too diverse of a society to make it work. and i say that also in regards to religious beliefs.


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