Marriage and Equality

I was sitting at the kitchen table as grandma was preparing lunch when I asked her about the equality of two persons in a marriage. She just turned, wiped her hands on her apron and with a smile came over and sat down across from me. Her words seemed to purr as she spoke of something that could only be spoken from love as she said to me,

“Boy, marriage is not about equality. It is about being united to a person whose needs you can fulfill. If everybody had the same needs then we could speak of marriage in the sense of equals. We are all individuals and as individuals, we all have different needs. Marriage is about finding that one person who can uniquely fulfill each of those needs.

The problem most people have is that marriage is always a work in progress, not the fulfillment of a dream. When we understand that, we can see the need of commitment, that marriage demands from each person. It is not so much a commitment to each other as it is a commitment to the promises we made. It is a commitment to fulfill the goals we have set. It is a commitment to the future of our lives regardless of past or present problems.

Don’t get me wrong, boy, your grandfather and I had our problems, especially early on in our marriage. There were plenty of nights that your grandfather slept on the couch. We learned though that most of those problems had to do more with finding out about the needs of the other than it did with the problem itself.

I think we finally realized the beauty of what marriage meant when we saw that it was not our needs that marriage was meant to fulfill but our need to fulfill the needs of the other. It was then when we realized just how unconditional our commitment had to be. It was then that we knew that marriage was a lifetime commitment for each other.

It is then we stop expecting of the other and fully commit ourselves to being what we are.

Your great great grandmother once told me that marriage is a lifetime of learning to understand and live with the impossible. It was your grandfather that taught me how true that is. There are times he can be the most impossible man on earth. Even after all the years we have been married, he still can be impossible to live with at times.

Marriage is a unique institution in that two people make a commitment to the impossible. A woman is a woman and no man can fully understand what it means to be a woman. It is impossible for him to see life from her perspective because he can never experience life as she does. The same is true of a man. If a time ever came that each could experience life as the other did then that would be the time to talk about the idea of equality of relationships.

Equality is an overrated concept. It is a concept that people will usually seek for others but are fully content in being themselves. It is a concept that demands change in attitude of another but never of the self. Equality is a concept used by too many to make themselves feel superior to others. As a man once said

“Americans are so enamored of equality, they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom.”

So, boy, when you have found that lady that you think you cannot live without, just remember this. Don’t worry about whether or not you will treat her as an equal. Do the impossible; think more about whether or not you are treating her in a manner that makes her feel like a woman.”

I just sat there, my elbows on the table, my hands holding up my head, grinning as I nodded.