Saturday, August 23, 2008

Lawyers, do we need them?

These are suppose to be real questions and answers in a court room as accumulated in the book, "DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS." It can be bought from Amazon.com
Have a good laugh as you read.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats andReeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
______________________________

As I was splitting my gut in laughter the only thing I could think of was Barrack Obama, Hillary and Bill Clinton, John Kerry and John Edwards. As I was setting this up for posting I was very tempted to substitute their names for the word ATTORNEY in each of the exerpts. I guess it really does depend on how you define the word "is", especially after reading the last one.

Do we really think it is a good idea to have attorneys running our government?

16 comments:

BB-Idaho said...

True, lawyers do not rank high in our regard. They must have at one time, though, as 35 of the 55founding fathers were lawyers.
A couple of small farmers, 11 slave owners and minister, as well.
Their interesting backgrounds are
given here: http://www.dunamai.com/articles/American_History/founding_fathers.htm

The Griper said...

bb,
politicians don't rank very high either. think there is a correlation?

BB-Idaho said...

Forbes http://www.forbes.com/2006/07/27/cx_tvr_0727admiredjobslide.html?boxes=custom&thisSpeed=10000
has a slideshow of their poll about the popularity of professions. Firefighters, Doctors, Nurses, Scientists, Teachers and a couple others outranked ministers!! Lawyers were 14th, near athletes and rounding out the bottom were Accountants, Bankers, Journalists, Business Execs, Actors and Real estate agents. Apparently the people Forbes polled had a dislike for those that took their money?
I was a little surprised, for I have seen a number of polls where lawyers and politicians were last.
One statistician noted, "Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name? :)

The Griper said...

he laughs, yeah isn't it though.

The Griper said...

you notice they ranked them in accordance to being, in their mind, altruistic?

Karen Howes said...

Hey Griper, thanks for the laugh. I like the new look of the blog too!

Gayle said...

ROTF! Thanks for the laughs, Griper! :)

dcat said...

Where am I! I thought this was The Griper's place!?

Nice!

Ok, 'no it's not a good idea for attorneys! They already need to be regulated just like insurance companies and the like!

BB-Idaho said...

Lawyers have been around for quite awhile (and castigated for about that long):
“Woe unto you, lawyers! For ye have taken away
the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves,
and them that were entering in ye hindered.” — Luke. XI, 52
I'm not religious, but ain't Luke
calling em 'pond scum'?

The Griper said...

surprised ya huh, dcat? then laughs. did a little spring cleaning as the saying goes. lol

The Griper said...

there we are in agreement, bb. he did. and it appears that the attitude was no different either. they were thought to pervert justice rather than promote it.

Lista said...

The Original Greek word that is translated "Lawyers" in this verse is "nomikos" and means "an expert in the (Mosaic) law", that is in the law of Moses, as written in the Old Testament. These were actually Jesus' words, as recorded by Luke. Jesus was often picking on the Religious leaders of that day and called them hypocrites.

The Griper said...

he smiles at lista, "yup"

Crian said...

That was pretty Good Griper, Attorney's may not be the best people to run the government but I would personally rather have an attorney than the former CEO of a company or someone involved in big business. What was President Bush before he became governor?

The Griper said...

Crian,
ohhh and why would you prefer a lawyer over a businessman to run our government?

Lista said...

Yeh, I'd like to know the answer to that too. It would be good if the government was run more like a business and lawyers are trained to be biased in favor of the client they represent. In government, bias is a negative. What is needed is fairness, not bias.

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